Sunday, October 16, 2011

Circumcision Whaaaaa?

Sorry about the long length of time since my last post - I'm still out there browsing the online dating world. I just haven't gotten enough spectacularly bad messages. Oh, don't get me wrong - I've had plenty normal terrible messages. But no truly bad ones. I think my profile finally scares them off.  I'm not sure if that's a win for me or not.  But never fear! I am still on the daily lookout for these!

" fffffffffffffap fapfap"

Um....what? How is this in any way going to make ANY girl respond to you? It also makes it pretty obvious that it doesn't take you long - that's not going to go in your favor, buddy.

"Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? ;) ;)"

 I'm sorry, but that doesn't work in real life. It's even less effective online. Also, as a hint - girls don't like guys who have other girls in their picture. It makes them seem desperate to prove that girls like being around you. We know that it's your sister. Or your ex that you aren't over yet. Or a hooker. Probably the hooker.

"How are you cutie:)
Since you have nice skin I assume you have zero tattoos? If not tell me lol:)
What do you appreciate about this world being as it is?
And what would you change or Ban if you had Genie like power?
You have such KIND EYES I can just loose myself into gazing into them:)
God I hope you are smart and funny and wisdom laden kinda girl:-)

I am a Brave Brave Guy but now I am thinking I should not have that Shock Comedy style Ancient quote of a Serious Philosopher? But I am Brave and I want a girl who is not easily offended so I will risk it its worth it! Do not want to alienate you but to adore I need to gain insight into a gals inner mind!!!
Do you really value Intelligence and Wisdom in a guy with a touch OF SO NAUGHTY?

OK I bet you & Challenge YOU! Something you never hear although its like a thousand years old by a philosopher:)
Give me your comments if you can - you probably can't - lol
Hope you have humor if not thats ok too:)


Isaac ben Yediah, 13th Century

When a woman makes love to an uncircumcised man, she feels pleasure and reaches orgasm first. When an uncircumcised man sleeps with her and then resolves to return to his home, she brazenly grasps him, holding onto his genitals and says to him, "Come back, make love to me". This is because of the pleasure that she finds in intercourse with him, from the sinews of his testicles -- sinew of iron and from his ejaculation -- that of a horse -- which he shoots like an arrow into her womb.

With the circumcised man it is different. He will find himself performing his task quickly, emitting his seed as soon as he inserts the crown. … As soon as he begins intercourse, he immediately comes to a climax. The woman has no pleasure from him. She leaves the marriage bed frustrated. She does not have an orgasm once a year, except on rare occasions.

[This is good for her husband: freed from lascivious desires] he will not empty his brain because of his wife [and] his heart will be strong to seek out God."

WTF. That's all I got out of this. I have no other words. 

And that's all I've gotten lately - although I think that last one makes up for my silence. (Seriously, WTF?)

Friday, August 26, 2011

Hiatus over!

So I didn't post for forever because I was actually in a relationship. But no more! (I'm sure you are thrilled that I'm back to entertain you.) And here's what you've been missing:

"Hello beautiful. Attractive man here.dark eyes.great in Euless pics (his number)
I moved here for work

Okay, Eddie-who-has-nothing-on-his-profile-but-a-picture, I'm going to let you have my phone number so you can send me pictures of your attractive, dark, blue eyed dick. Of course I am. I only know nothing about you and you don't put any effort into your online profile, but that doesn't really matter, does it? All you want to do is send me your dick. Because apparently, that's all you are.

"haha well hopefully you don't tease me...I think I'm just a little bit buffer than you"

Wow! You're buff? I never would have known that from the thumbnail picture of you posing with your shirt off and your user name of wrestingchris1! It seems like you were beaten to the punch with wrestlingchris and you couldn't come up with anything more creative so you just added a 1 at the end of your name. But that's okay, because you have giant biceps. That's all that matters in this world. I bet your pecker is tiny from all the steroids. Just like your personality.

"You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night"

Way to add to your stereotype ghetto guy. At least you know that 'you're' exists. That is a vast improvement to the majority of guys on this site. Wait, now I'm just confused. 

"Hey!! how are you doing?? would you like to go on a date with me??"

Of course I want to go on a date with someone who has no picture on their profile and uses two punctuation marks at the end of everything!! What's the worst that could happen?? There's no reason at all as to why you don't have a picture up...

"You look a little awkward on the pic!"

Thanks dude! You look really sweet in yours.

"How are ya? Rawr"

Hey! You know what sounds dinosaurs make! Good for you! Here's your gold star.

"Hello.. I read your Bio and i believe we have Lots in common Id love to get to know you>>"

I think you missed the part of my "Bio" that says "i" like good grammar. It's right under my picture. I'm assuming you missed it because I'm so gorgeous and my eyes penetrated your soul. I'm sure that's what it was. Do you claim to read "Lots" of girls profiles but really don't? 

Friday, February 25, 2011

And so it continues...

This next bit of culture continues the horrible grammar of the online dating world. I just really don't understand why guys like this continue to message me when it specifically says right under my picture that I won't respond to poor grammar. Wishful thinking?

 And so it continues...

"Just wanted to say ur beautiful but I would like to get to kno u if ur interested. Let me kno alil bit bout u."

Here's something about me. I like guys who spell out words correctly when trying to make a first impression. On a side note, this site IS doing wonders for my self image. I'm going to turn into a snobby bitch who preens in no time. 

"you should cum play with us ;)"

I know the misspelling on this is intentional. It's sent by a married woman. Just in case you didn't catch that: a married woman. She's been kind of relentlessly sending me messages about how great her 'hubby' is and what she wants to do to me while he's doing me. Yeah. I don't know what part of the definition of 'straight' she doesn't understand. But she is determined to convert me.

"Hey whats up? I Just saw your profile and thought you seemed pretty cool I'd love to chat sometime and get to know you! Maybe even send you a Naked pic or something haha joking. Well i hope you are having a good day and hopefully we can chat sometime."

Suuuuuuure you were joking about the 'Naked pic'. It's interesting that he capitalizes random words in this and 'Naked' is one of them. I'm sure he wouldn't try to send me a picture of his dick. Never. It's not even on his mind....oh wait. 


My name is Xavier and I wanted to say hi! Your profile caught me eye and you are definitely beautiful and my type. I'd love to get to know more about you if you give me the chance to become your friend. Please reply back if you want to get to know me as well..."

I know this isn't full of terrible grammar. I am including this because of the 'you seem like my type' statement. I took a look at his profile and found this all over it. 

"I am in to sports, outdoor camping,soccer, golfing, fishingfootball. I listen to some of the old country from george strait, kenny chesney,reckless kelly" 

"I am really good at listening to others as well as sports from soccer, football,basketball,tennis to golf. "

And under the things he can't live without...

"Sunglasses, NFL, taco bueno, my daughter, nice pair of jeans and greygoose" 

So basically, this guy loves his sports. My profile doesn't mention sports ONCE.  It also mentions that I don't want kids and that I don't drink very much. So does he only like girls that are complete opposites of him? Or did he not actually read my profile? I'm going to go with the latter. Which is a pretty brave thing to do if you are going to claim that a person is 'your type'.  

Oh - and Taco Bueno can suck it. I'm a Taco Bell girl all the way.  

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Round One: Grammar FAIL.

So here is my first round of messages from my foray into online dating. I'm too nice of a person to hurt anyone's feelings, so instead of responding to them directly, I just post them online for all to see and have them giggled at anonymously.  I know, I'm a winner.  So here we go into bad grammar land. Because that's the way to win a girl's heart.

" Y are u single u seem like a really good girl smart sweet and know what u want out of life"      

After reading this I had to sit on my hands and not answer back, "Because it's hard to find guys with good grammar." Come on even mention I seem like a smart girl. Why would a smart girl want to start communicating with someone who sends messages that make her eyes burn and her brain implode? THAT is why I am single. "

"Hi im corey how are you i liked your profile and would like to know if you wanted to talk"

Where is the punctuation for these people?!?!?!!? Are they all missing the punctuation keys on the keyboard? No, I don't want to talk to someone who cannot find the comma, apostrophe, period, or question mark keys on their keyboard.  What if, when you were typing, you were actually thinking this? 'Hi? I'm Corey? How are you? I liked your profile and would like to know if you wanted to talk?' I don't want to talk to someone who is unsure of his own name. In fact, if you don't punctuate your messages I'm going to automatically assume that you are constantly having questions and exclamations for everything. At least that will entertain me.

This one completely confused me. I have no words.

 "sorry i dont fit you profill shoud of read it first."

What? Is he telling me that he doesn't fit my profile? Or that I don't fit his? And why is he messaging me if I don't fit his profile? I'm so confused.  I looked at his site. He has a daughter. Except he can't spell daughter and says 'dautr'. I feel so sorry for her.

And here's the icing on the cake.

"Hello, Im amazed to see that you and I seem to be a 89% match.
You look like a very sweet girl, and Im not sure how much you play into the match of this site.
But if your interested, I invite you to come check out my profile.
Hope to here from you soon,
Courtney :-)"

Yeah. I pulled a girl. And she didn't even have good grammar. Yippee.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Introductions

Hi! I recently decided to dive into the world of online dating because it seems that all of the good men have vanished to somewhere. I will be the first to tell you that they did not go online. I discovered this very, very quickly. But because I have an amazing sense of humor I decided to keep my profile active and relay these wonderful messages (and even some dating experiences) to my friends.

I won't be using anyone's user names or real names on this site. The messages I post are all posted exactly as received along with my internal dialogue and thoughts. Hope you guys enjoy my misfortunes. :)